I can only trust myself

This day was a revelation, just like the day when Katrina found out about the real "sex video". I thought i have allies. People who would understand my point of view. But even the "king" is a traitor himself. I know myself quite well, so i know what things i should be far from. I am short tempered and i hate it when small fights turn big. The way they make a big deal over things that they won't even hesitate to ask me first. It was just sad to find out that even the closest to your heart won't even understand that you do things for the better of him. It all started when i was younger, people at home treat me like a wall flower. Always the youngest and i always don't understand the things that are happening at home. I was the only kid at home, everyone else was grown up and minding their own lives.I was often pushed far as being close to. So as a kid, crying was all i could do. As i age, things seem to be clearer, though foggy at times because they keep hiding things for me. I always feel left out of them, the things i enjoy? they won't even understand. I love being with my band..and who would have thought someone whom i thought was my reverie would become my worst nightmare. I do love him though,but it seems i still need more time to understand him. I don't understand why he won't try and do good things, when i make myself a bit better in any way i can. It is quite disturbing that he would rather spend time with his friends than spend time with you. My mother? Oh don't bother. She wouldn't give a damn even if i commit suicide this very moment.. All she see is the bad things, she rarely notices the good deeds i do. She nags..oh for the love of God. Even when i just did a tinsy winsy mistake, she would stomp her feet and throw things. I just don't understand that. And know, they just told me that it was my fault why everyone else (including me ) is in misery because Manang can't be here. DANG! It was like.."BOOM!", there goes my sany, my dignity and courage...fleeing like a scared cat. I know that some of the things i do seem very lazy, i don't really know why i am like that, but the fact that they treat you and TELL EVERYONE THEY KNOW about you being horse shit is just crap. The hell with that.