The Kamote Daily Servings

A few hours ago, i was catching my breath because of crying to darn hard. He left as usual,what is new about that. But then again, what was new with me? I was still the same "pity-me" girl. I guess i was to sorry for myself, and i can't help myself to improve on the parts that i lack on. I should have not given dubi a hard time, i should have just moved my butt from my seat to get it over it. I should have just kept my mouth shut, i know he is not the most patient guy in the world.

I feel fat. Not because i feel like it, people tell me that too. I look at myself at the mirror, i see this fat spot on my neck. *sheesh*, BIG FAT AREA at the belly. My arms and shoulders are WAAAAAAAAAY bigger than before. I don't want to be crazy thin, i just want to be fit. I want people to see me healthy with flat tummy and normal looking neck , arms and shoulders. Not that i don't feel normal with how i look now, but i don't like the bone aching, head aching things in my body. I need to eat right and less, do exercise and keep a healthier relationship with everyone in life.

With the "eat less and right", that is a big problem. I should start telling myself not to eat when im emotional. It is soooo wrong. Maybe better choice of foods and eating less rice than usual may help a bit.

With the "do exercise", its hard. I am usualy too tired of doing it. Biking is my favorite form of exercise. It is accesible. Unlike my other fave form of exercise that is waaaaay hard to have, swimming, because you need a pool for that. But alas, as if fate was against me, the bike got broken in some way. *shoot*. Im not a fan of walking, since the weather is hot and there is no good view of walking. With the Hip Hop abs? Too shy to do work out with people here. ^__^"

Bout the relationship shit. I feel bad sometimes. I hate nagging, it is tiring. I feel like im mom. *sheesh* But can i help it? When your partner is much worse than you? That you feel like its your responsibility to do stuff for the better of others' lives? Welcome to my world. Dubi does have a good side too. He is helpful and very generous. He is nice and sweet and very loving. But everyone has a bad side. He has short patience, and WILL hit if VERY pissed. But he is understanding (if he wants to). The thing i have to do? Be more understanding, be more patient and treat him nicer when im pissed.

For Morgan's expense, i love taking care of her. So i need a good peaceful mind so that i won't get pissed when she gets too active. I want her to be like her dad, and a little of myself which includes the reading thing, the smarts thing, and the singing thing, the rest she can have her dad's. hehe

I need to start understanding and loving myself before i start understanding and loving others.
In the next few years, i might start to study again. And hopefully start working and earning money for the welfare of my own little family.

It is still raining here at home, while Dubi on the other hand, had to go to Urdaneta for show shoots. I do miss the freakin' guy, even if he is a pain in the ass. It seems that i just can't let go of him that easy because i am already so attached to him. I do hate it when i nag him, it seems so wrong. But what can i do? i can't always be a saint for him, he has to learn.

Mom on the other hand is trying to send out some signals. Including the "i-am-going-to-send-you-to-school-soon" signal. She was asking a few days ago about a course that i would want to take up. (Masscom is still in my mind) People here are a little pissed, including me. I can't watch on the freakin' tv because it is broken. CRAP.

Back to dubi and the ponderings. Watching him go far away from me (physically) is so hard. It seems that either i feel like he has infidelity or i am just incomplete without him by my side. Though it sounds creepy and such, i don't mean that in an obssesive way. :)

I love cleaning. I don't know why, i think my co-workers and friends are right. I'm O.C.
Bones are ok now, they are not hurting like it used to. I guess having sex all the time ain't worth it after all. haha.

Manang is studying her A B C's, and it seems to help her too. Morgan is damn smart when it comes to copying words. I love her. Dubi got his "student license". And i borrowed the tv tuner at home. Oh god i miss him badly. I hope the show gets cancelled. HAHAHA

Mom is so freakin' irritating. She has no one to blame! All she sees is ME. Manang on the other hand is pissed off. Mom did NOT even see how much work she did for the house. All she did was tell everyone that we are all lousy at home and used tons of money for nonsense. This morning, i just broke down and cried. I have never felt so pissed in my entire life. It is not that i hate her, she is useful sometimes. BUT, she does treat me like crap. which saddens me. Everyone is planning to leave this hell hole. I hope i'll have the guts to do the same.

Ah yes, the pain are going away. I have decided to stop DMPA because it is causing bone density. On the other hand, my tooth is sprouted and pain is only minimal.
Dubi on the other hand has to do a lot of things because of the motor thing. He must start off with the "notario" to put his name on the motor itself. Then the driver's licence and ofcourse the "rehistro". After that he must do an overall check-up on his motor and then try to fix the damn problems and change the "tambucho" and the set up, and probably change the body as well.

For now this is what is planned. Just a few days more and mom and dad will be home again.

But tonight? Dubi is just a pain in the ass.

Ok, last night was scary. As i was about to finish my post for blogger, suddenly there was a black out. Thank God for auto saving. Anyway, it hot nowadays and head is hurting, tooth still aching and bones are probably starting to crack. We talked about stopping taking contraceptives for a while. Except for "emergencies" *teehee*

As for last night's dramarama, i cried at 2am because of horrid pain. I have to bite on a cotton bud for the entire night just to sleep thru the night.

Dubi on the other hand, is off to somewhere out there to help out his "hon", flubber there seems to forget about himself when he around bf!! And since he is sooooo distracted, some goon stole a hefty 2 thou from his pocket. Now, dubi has some "pashine" to do and save little ol' flubber and bf for them to go back home. Some person, i wonder if there is a catch. Anyway, it was nice of dubi to do that. But it is not his problem anymore right? It seems too off for me. For crying out loud, can't his bf do something than letting my hubby run around the city asking for money just to get them home?! That is really f*cked up. And to think that he only has 300+ left for his money. *SHEESH*

Dubi's plans for having a motor of his own is finally coming true. *glee*
Just a little scared because he is a newbie on this.
Manang on the other hand is trying her luck in selling ice candies. And i am busy taking care of little morgie here..(check the smile with the dimples)
These days i am just loathing around the summer heat and still don't have plans for summer swim.
Luckily, Dubi is finally taking a big turn in life. After realizing that he is indeed a graduate, he is finally feeling responsible for his actions and is starting to realize that he has us too.
As for the relationship status of ours, it seems that he is also making it better for the two of us. He told me lately that i must tell him to stop once he is starting to use his hands against me. I also should learn how to control my temper as well. Told him that he needs to set up a schedule so that he will not loath in front of the computer all day. And as for little Morgan, she is finally grown up to be a toddler and quite smart and bibbo at the same time. She can now understand a few things and she can brush her teeth now. *yay!*
As for me, i am better these days. Nothing seems to bother me, except for money that is. :)

But life is still the same, and hope that it stays that way.

The pain in my bones these past week has been killing me. Taking Alaksan Fr to relieve my body pain (if i cannot take it). As i have been checking the net for answers and i do found out that it affects bone density. No wonder no one uses it as long as 5 years. I drink lots of milk to supply enough calcium to my bones. I also eat a lot of veggies and tofu now. *smiles*

As for Dubi, he bought a motorcycle, looks spent though, paid 15 thou for it, needs a few repairs. We are staying home because he needs to register the motorcycle and pay for it. Practice too. Since his only work day is only Sundays.

As for the feelings.. we fought again. Like always, it ended in tears and slaps in the face. But this time, his mom had to interfere. Dubi is quite a person. He is very unpredictable. He starts something and ends up being the "pissed" one. And the nerve of the guy to slap me. That is why mama told us to seperate for a while, just to make sure if he would really want me as a wife. And probably to think things over by our own. *pfft*
He is treating me like shit. I am not proud of that but that is the truth. It seems that other things are important to him than taking care of me and Morgan. It feels so bad to see that he can leave me in an instant, without even thinking. Why are men like that? I know they are not the "feelings" people but how can they stand hurting physically and emotionally a person that they say they love? He can't even dare talk to me in a serious way. He can't look at me in the eyes and tell me what he thinks. I don't even know if he is just there because he has to be not because he wants to. I am not even married yet and this is killing me already. I hate it when he beats me up, he thinks i forget when he says sorry. But it keeps filling up. Why do men do this anyway. I don't understand. Is it because of the "i-am-the-authority-here-bitch" or because "i-just-feel-like-it". I have never felt so ashamed of someone. I can't even tell myself if i still love him the way i used to. He has changed a lot since Morgan came. It is just sad that my love for him is indeed starting to fade little by little. I don't even know how to tell him that, because he doesn't give a damn to what i have to say.* crap*