The Kamote Daily Servings

*sigh* i need more than this to comprehend with life..grab a gun, baby... then shoot that mommaflucker!

Love.. is it just a feeling?

I have fallen in love so many times and yet, i still ask myself.. why am i a constant victim?
What is the difference this time? What makes it unique? God? A little help?

Its quite hard to bury a love for someone you met for just a short time but you loved so damn great. It really doesn't matter if it took you 10 years but you loved him less. It really depends on what you felt, even for the shortest time. yeaah...

The truth hurts. It really does. Why do i still care for the guy then? Potential memories will start creepin' in before i shut my eyes and it brings tears to my eyes. I want to stop... but my heart.. oh it dictates the opposite. So what now?

Take me somewhere i can be happy. Give me that damn faith.. those teary-eyed prayers and a lot of freakin' patience. I am gonna need them.. where? To this war with myself!!! My brain and my heart are mortal enemies... they never go for one decision.

Carry me away, oh i need it. I want to forget you so bad now that I've fallen in love with you. If you are there? Help me out will you? Sing to me like i sing to you... go for the power of Madonna.

                                            Call me selfish and pushy.. but I love you.

It has been days, long dead days since the last time i saw you. I miss those eyes that make me weak everytime. Where are you now? Are you ok? Do you even miss me? Do you still care?

I'm a mess.. without you i'm worse. Life was a little better when you were around. Someone constantly keeps reminding me to have that faith for my happiness and that hope the confusion this brings comes to a good realization. Did that even happen? We haven't started yet, and there they tried tearing us apart. I thought, maybe he's just not ready for another big jump. Then i said to myself, I took mine long ago when I wanted happiness..what is the difference?  You said that a big part of me is needed because it'll only kill a little of yours. What saddens me is that you didn't even stayed close and hold me tight when all those crappy things happened to me. I felt your distance, oh how painful it was. Those last weeks broke my heart to pieces, a few days before, you were ever so loving and sweet and then in an instant,the cold spell happened. My heart died along with it. Seriously. It gave me blank spells through-out and made me did water works. Oh, i could have built Water World in my eyes. The worse part of it all is that you found someone less more stressful and threw me out like i was some log-sheet you used. My pillows were wet most of the time, my blankets too. My eyes were a total puff and i can't even break a smile for the funniest show in the world.

                       Extreme sadness those weeks were.. i even wondered how i managed.

Seeing you after that heartbreaking goodbye, killed the happiness you in me. Whenever i turn my head, i would see a constant reminder.. which is you. I'd anticipate for your texts.. i miss your IMU's and your U2s..

I miss every part of what's you..your smiles.. kisses.. hugs and spontaneous acts of love.
I am willing to stay a little longer.. should i really?
Will i wait?
Wait.. endlessly in vain for your love..

When people say challenges can make you strong.. they don't know how shitty it feels to be in one of those crappy situations.

My freakin' life..sucks. Why can't my life be less miserable? I am a loser in all freakin' aspects and i feel like no one understands anything. To make matters worse.. people talk shit about you and they ruin your work, your love life and your entire perspective in life. Fuck, right? I know.

Take it from someone that life started shitty. I don't wanna go too deep but yeah.. being me is a good thing and a bad thing. So yeah.. went up until the time when i started fallin' inlove. Love oh how i love to hate it. I am a constant victim. When i gave birth.. all other shit started to arise..seriously? Yes.

Now, i fell inlove with someone else, i should have just stayed with the man that got me pregnant. Maybe i was just fed up with all the things that happened. So where did i go from there? This person i fell inlove with happened to stop loving me too.. i don't really now if he even loved me. All i know is he once cared so much for me. Whenever a particular memory passes my head, i can't help but cry.. all those good times are just too lovely to forget.. to be buried.. to be ignored. I wanted to make more of them.. but like he said.. eventually it will happen. I am too vulnerable daw.. and that hurts like hell. It came from him... and it felt like he is pushing me away from him. Fuck, right? SOOOOO MUCH.

Work-- why is this having a crucial effect on work? Its because of that shitty rumor.. that happens to ruin my love life too. Fucking people just won't stop until you are dry and useless. Cut me some slack and let me be. You are cutting out the chance for me to be happy. One day all this shit you are doing will come back to you and i hope you'll look back to what you did to me.. someone who considered you as a friend.

Love--- FUCK..no more. In all aspects its so ruined. I feel that i don't deserve anyone anymore. No one does. I am no worth of any love. I did my freakin best to have and hold someone dearly. I was true.. never lied, gave up my all, my pride, my heart and now i sit here alone.

** NO FREAKIN' AIR WHEN YOU AIN'T THERE!!!**

I now sit here in front of this laptop.. tip-tapping, wiping my tears while i do this blog, listening to music that puts me in the mood to write, sleep deprived (a 9pm-7am shift).. Nokia phone won't work again.. Damn it, do i need more bad luck? Why won't i just be killed by a 10 wheeler truck or so in order for this to be all over? Dubi ran away.. he's somewhere unknown at the moment.. i don 't wanna care, even if i want to.. i don't want to add more shit in my brain. I love the guy.. but if i add him to my problems i'm just like hitting myself with a bat. If he's mine.. he'll come back. If not.. then i absolutely suck. For my dear.. a friend.. he wants to be selfish.. i have mixed feeling about us being friends. I don't know why. I hate that confusion in my head.

**help me..... i am slowly dying... my heart is slowly fading..."**

Things happen for a reason and here i think what could the reason be this time?

I should have not looked back. Oh the feeling was freaking great while it lasted. It left me scarred yet again by the thing i was scared to touch. Now it's just a cold feeling. It's not all bad.. but in general.. it still is.God damn it, Angela.. when will you ever learn from those mistakes?

Patience--- why do i need this? So that everything will be fruitful? That it will feel so great? When will i see happiness in me again? In comes Mr.Patience..

Faith--- i always hear this. Faith in what? In love? in Life? In work? I want to hold on to one aspect of faith here. I just don't know if its worth it. Sometimes i do feel stupid, dragging myself to this kind of situation. Lucky enough that i got to be loved.. sad that it had to be so soon.

Life-- where will it take me?? Who will i spend it with? Will it be a good one? One step at a time.. as painful as it is.. we need to close our eyes and move forward.. always keep moving forward.

Work--- i love this.. i met all kinds of great and shitty people here. It made me stronger.. in a way. Mature and immature as well. Toxicity my dear. Work is just hella toxic. kudos to "Chiem" for that great work in slapping me with work recently. It keeps me sane. Seriously.

Where will all this shit bring me then? Will this make me live life again? Will this just make me more vulnerable? Will things go worse? How will pick up the broken pieces without getting wounded by reality?

Always..as always at the end of every waking  day, i ask myself: Will I ever be happy again?

Its hard to trust anyone anymore. 
You dont know who's the fake. I have to learn the VERY hard way that not everyone is your friend and yes, your worst enemy is your best friend.
 
Life has been a hell hole these past few weeks. There are days when i don't want to face the world because im too weak to stand for myself. There are days when i feel so happy even for the slightest good thing. 


Men. How i hate them but i love them. Why do they just love to ruin a perfectly good thing? You try and nurture it with your all and then kapoot!. It will then kill you to know that they are leaving you either for someone better or for their family. Crap like that just sucks.. soo bad you wish death on all living things. 
I feel very bad lately. Work freakin' sucks.. people there are very harsh. Shit.
I dont like seeing one particular face either. It hurts like hell.. it's like burning yourself.
The house i call a home doesn't suck much..it's my sweet escape from the harsh reality i call my life.
Morgan's turning 3!!! It's official that momma's little girl is growing up. "They grow up so fast.." T__T
I have to make a desish.. still go on with working at NCO or study (culinary arts or masscommunications - major in writing of course).
Life, i hope for the better.. faith.. hold on to faith.