The Kamote Daily Servings

"Christmas is about family"


What if the family you want is no longer there.. even for a day. Its fucked up.  Today is the worst of all holidays i guess. I can't help but enjoy myself in the company of friends that i missed for quite some time. Is it wrong to enjoy other company without your hubby? I don't think so. Made me think if this is the one that i want for some time. I love my baby girl to bits but sometimes, i gotta have my own time. I can't be just stuck at home or be back before 12. I've been through a lot of shit and hanging out with friends is something i enjoy. I hope they'll realize that i'm still a person and that i need "me" time. Unfortunately for me, Dubi left me all alone on xmas eve.. mom still a bit angry. I miss real and happy xmas.. i think i'll never be able to have them. Im just looking forward to the future that will hopefully make the rest of my life  happy. I love everyone, family and friends. I just hope i'll be happier.


Someday i will be, i know i will. For now? Friends will be there to make me happy when my personal life sucks like shit.  Morgan will always be the sweetest little girl in my life.

Love is sweeter the second time around.

Just when i thought that i will be a very sad person after Mr. 4068 left me, i guess i was wrong. After weeks and weeks of being with dubi and enjoying life's precious gifts with our little girl, i finally realized that being with him is something i could always want. He made me happier, calmer and i never thought i'll be more childish than i already was.^__^"
I guess after all the hardship and pain, i finally understand the true meaning of love. Regardless of how silly he makes me feel.

Updates!!
** got no job, imma total bum
** got new tatz (me love love)
**into manga (love hina)
** planning a new business

I guess in the end, life is short.. so i just have to look for ways to be happy when i already have it around me.
 
Im pretty much happier with what i have now. Yeah.

Here i am 3 months after hell and i'm just halfway up. Drowned myself in anything i can think of and still hating the feeling. 

Do you believe in a thing called love? I am starting to doubt that.


I am unlucky when it comes to love. I find someone, he gets me pregnant and eventually turns to a total ass within 4 years. Then you are able to find a better one, opposite to you but respects and cares for you greatly but then eventually leaves you because they lack reasons to move on with the relationship. Is that even fair? Me getting hurt like hell? You love them they either turn sour or leave you.

Smile though your heart is aching, that is the song that is ringing in my head.  Everyday i try to keep my head up and smile. At the end of the day, i ask myself.. is there really happiness in store for me in the future with the one i love 100% and adore? Am i just blind? Is he here already?

I can only hope and pray hard for that guy to sweep me off my feet.. pronto!

Ain't it just the cherry on top of that mountain of despair.. tsk! It's kinda my fault for asking too much questions.. and now look.. look who is the fool. YOU!

My birthday sucked soooo much.. despite the sweet hug and kiss on the cheek by my friends... the freak managed to ruin my heart again.. by giving me a heads up. Crap.

To make matters worse, dubi called someone and ranted senseless and pointless crap. I needed to talk some sense to the both of them.. SHIT, RIGHT?

July 11 2010 is just wrong.. for humanity.

Why can't it be like, you have the love of your life with you, you earn soooo much money, you have everything you want, buy anything you want and soooo much more.

If not like that, i wish it could just be like when you are younger, they buy you toys, cake, eat chicken and spag or carbonara and pesto for the day and they treat you like a princess, no stress, no crying (just cranky), no bad vibes.. no pain!!

The only good thing on my day was my DVDs of True Blood, Glee, Cougar Town and Bones.. the rest was just shit. No one really personally cares. That really sucks. I hate my day.. its not really mine to begin with.

**kiss kiss.. bang bang**

Today is my day, but i don't even feel it.. best birthday eveeeerrrrr daw.. all a bunch of CRAP.


Moving to Amazon is scary. Although i have handled calls before, its just scary to go back. I really want to move away from Mr. Ball-less guy in MSN but the mere fact that he's there.. in QC.. 4rth floor.. Crap. Tears my soul apart.

Dubi is just paranoid and jealous.. he is driving me crazy lately. Texts from him (workforce guy), his birthday call and his picture on mom's laptop drove him to the edge.. bringing my phone along the way. Great. Its quite frustrating to keep center hold when he's going nuts on your past men.

What should i do with the men in my life? Sheesh. Why can't we just have what we want no? All this shot is stressing me out big time.

Just shoot me.

*sigh* i need more than this to comprehend with life..grab a gun, baby... then shoot that mommaflucker!

Love.. is it just a feeling?

I have fallen in love so many times and yet, i still ask myself.. why am i a constant victim?
What is the difference this time? What makes it unique? God? A little help?

Its quite hard to bury a love for someone you met for just a short time but you loved so damn great. It really doesn't matter if it took you 10 years but you loved him less. It really depends on what you felt, even for the shortest time. yeaah...

The truth hurts. It really does. Why do i still care for the guy then? Potential memories will start creepin' in before i shut my eyes and it brings tears to my eyes. I want to stop... but my heart.. oh it dictates the opposite. So what now?

Take me somewhere i can be happy. Give me that damn faith.. those teary-eyed prayers and a lot of freakin' patience. I am gonna need them.. where? To this war with myself!!! My brain and my heart are mortal enemies... they never go for one decision.

Carry me away, oh i need it. I want to forget you so bad now that I've fallen in love with you. If you are there? Help me out will you? Sing to me like i sing to you... go for the power of Madonna.

                                            Call me selfish and pushy.. but I love you.

It has been days, long dead days since the last time i saw you. I miss those eyes that make me weak everytime. Where are you now? Are you ok? Do you even miss me? Do you still care?

I'm a mess.. without you i'm worse. Life was a little better when you were around. Someone constantly keeps reminding me to have that faith for my happiness and that hope the confusion this brings comes to a good realization. Did that even happen? We haven't started yet, and there they tried tearing us apart. I thought, maybe he's just not ready for another big jump. Then i said to myself, I took mine long ago when I wanted happiness..what is the difference?  You said that a big part of me is needed because it'll only kill a little of yours. What saddens me is that you didn't even stayed close and hold me tight when all those crappy things happened to me. I felt your distance, oh how painful it was. Those last weeks broke my heart to pieces, a few days before, you were ever so loving and sweet and then in an instant,the cold spell happened. My heart died along with it. Seriously. It gave me blank spells through-out and made me did water works. Oh, i could have built Water World in my eyes. The worse part of it all is that you found someone less more stressful and threw me out like i was some log-sheet you used. My pillows were wet most of the time, my blankets too. My eyes were a total puff and i can't even break a smile for the funniest show in the world.

                       Extreme sadness those weeks were.. i even wondered how i managed.

Seeing you after that heartbreaking goodbye, killed the happiness you in me. Whenever i turn my head, i would see a constant reminder.. which is you. I'd anticipate for your texts.. i miss your IMU's and your U2s..

I miss every part of what's you..your smiles.. kisses.. hugs and spontaneous acts of love.
I am willing to stay a little longer.. should i really?
Will i wait?
Wait.. endlessly in vain for your love..

When people say challenges can make you strong.. they don't know how shitty it feels to be in one of those crappy situations.

My freakin' life..sucks. Why can't my life be less miserable? I am a loser in all freakin' aspects and i feel like no one understands anything. To make matters worse.. people talk shit about you and they ruin your work, your love life and your entire perspective in life. Fuck, right? I know.

Take it from someone that life started shitty. I don't wanna go too deep but yeah.. being me is a good thing and a bad thing. So yeah.. went up until the time when i started fallin' inlove. Love oh how i love to hate it. I am a constant victim. When i gave birth.. all other shit started to arise..seriously? Yes.

Now, i fell inlove with someone else, i should have just stayed with the man that got me pregnant. Maybe i was just fed up with all the things that happened. So where did i go from there? This person i fell inlove with happened to stop loving me too.. i don't really now if he even loved me. All i know is he once cared so much for me. Whenever a particular memory passes my head, i can't help but cry.. all those good times are just too lovely to forget.. to be buried.. to be ignored. I wanted to make more of them.. but like he said.. eventually it will happen. I am too vulnerable daw.. and that hurts like hell. It came from him... and it felt like he is pushing me away from him. Fuck, right? SOOOOO MUCH.

Work-- why is this having a crucial effect on work? Its because of that shitty rumor.. that happens to ruin my love life too. Fucking people just won't stop until you are dry and useless. Cut me some slack and let me be. You are cutting out the chance for me to be happy. One day all this shit you are doing will come back to you and i hope you'll look back to what you did to me.. someone who considered you as a friend.

Love--- FUCK..no more. In all aspects its so ruined. I feel that i don't deserve anyone anymore. No one does. I am no worth of any love. I did my freakin best to have and hold someone dearly. I was true.. never lied, gave up my all, my pride, my heart and now i sit here alone.

** NO FREAKIN' AIR WHEN YOU AIN'T THERE!!!**

I now sit here in front of this laptop.. tip-tapping, wiping my tears while i do this blog, listening to music that puts me in the mood to write, sleep deprived (a 9pm-7am shift).. Nokia phone won't work again.. Damn it, do i need more bad luck? Why won't i just be killed by a 10 wheeler truck or so in order for this to be all over? Dubi ran away.. he's somewhere unknown at the moment.. i don 't wanna care, even if i want to.. i don't want to add more shit in my brain. I love the guy.. but if i add him to my problems i'm just like hitting myself with a bat. If he's mine.. he'll come back. If not.. then i absolutely suck. For my dear.. a friend.. he wants to be selfish.. i have mixed feeling about us being friends. I don't know why. I hate that confusion in my head.

**help me..... i am slowly dying... my heart is slowly fading..."**

Things happen for a reason and here i think what could the reason be this time?

I should have not looked back. Oh the feeling was freaking great while it lasted. It left me scarred yet again by the thing i was scared to touch. Now it's just a cold feeling. It's not all bad.. but in general.. it still is.God damn it, Angela.. when will you ever learn from those mistakes?

Patience--- why do i need this? So that everything will be fruitful? That it will feel so great? When will i see happiness in me again? In comes Mr.Patience..

Faith--- i always hear this. Faith in what? In love? in Life? In work? I want to hold on to one aspect of faith here. I just don't know if its worth it. Sometimes i do feel stupid, dragging myself to this kind of situation. Lucky enough that i got to be loved.. sad that it had to be so soon.

Life-- where will it take me?? Who will i spend it with? Will it be a good one? One step at a time.. as painful as it is.. we need to close our eyes and move forward.. always keep moving forward.

Work--- i love this.. i met all kinds of great and shitty people here. It made me stronger.. in a way. Mature and immature as well. Toxicity my dear. Work is just hella toxic. kudos to "Chiem" for that great work in slapping me with work recently. It keeps me sane. Seriously.

Where will all this shit bring me then? Will this make me live life again? Will this just make me more vulnerable? Will things go worse? How will pick up the broken pieces without getting wounded by reality?

Always..as always at the end of every waking  day, i ask myself: Will I ever be happy again?

Its hard to trust anyone anymore. 
You dont know who's the fake. I have to learn the VERY hard way that not everyone is your friend and yes, your worst enemy is your best friend.
 
Life has been a hell hole these past few weeks. There are days when i don't want to face the world because im too weak to stand for myself. There are days when i feel so happy even for the slightest good thing. 


Men. How i hate them but i love them. Why do they just love to ruin a perfectly good thing? You try and nurture it with your all and then kapoot!. It will then kill you to know that they are leaving you either for someone better or for their family. Crap like that just sucks.. soo bad you wish death on all living things. 
I feel very bad lately. Work freakin' sucks.. people there are very harsh. Shit.
I dont like seeing one particular face either. It hurts like hell.. it's like burning yourself.
The house i call a home doesn't suck much..it's my sweet escape from the harsh reality i call my life.
Morgan's turning 3!!! It's official that momma's little girl is growing up. "They grow up so fast.." T__T
I have to make a desish.. still go on with working at NCO or study (culinary arts or masscommunications - major in writing of course).
Life, i hope for the better.. faith.. hold on to faith.

Like in most songs, when you lost someone you love, you think you just died. I'm feeling that twice as hard and twice as hell.


I can't hide anymore. I feel like total shit lately. I have to learn that the one i adore.. adores another. The sad part here is that he had to lie his way to get me thinking that its my fault. Fuck men and their egos.
Unfortunately for me, the one that really cares wants to move on. He does love me, he said he does, he doesn't wanna be friends because he cares and loves me. For him, its quite painful to see me shed tears for the other guy who doesn't give a damn and does not even have balls. He wants me to choose, it was for my benefit, but i choose to stay where i am, not because i want to see that ball-less guy everyday and hope he'll realize my worth but i choose to stay because i will not let my screwy love life get in the way of the career i now feel that is meant for me. I know it will hurt a hundred times to see him with another, happy with that other being instead of sharing those smiles with me. But life is about moving on when things go fucked up for you and that is what i'm thinking lately.

I am quite scared for my future, i don't want to loose the friendship i have with my ex. He's quite a great guy to me and my kid. I just so happened to be stupid enough to fall for someone's "damsel in distress" moves and shit, enough for me to fall dangerously in love with and in the end (no matter how he puts it) he still left me all by myself.

Last night was damn bullshit. We went talking about the latest shit and he realized he's through. He doesn't want the pain. I don't want it too. I don't wanna jump into another damn relationship and risk everything and be alone in the end again. For crying out loud, i wanna take some time to let things sink in so that when my heart does cry for the right guy, i know i'll be ready.

I hope he reads this.. and i hope he gets to understand my thoughts about this matter.

To HIM: You are such an ass.. and she's right, no matter how angelic you look there is this devil just waiting to be unleashed within you.

To my Dubi: We need time to realize. We'll talk, then we'll compromise.

To my friends: Thank you for the support. I'll get through this hell-hole

To myself: In time they'll realize how worth it you are. All they can do is look and hope it'll give them hell.

                                           **I pray for better days and for more faith**

waaa.. just love the song.. kinda gives me umm... empowerment. ahahaha.

Days past and i deserve something for myself.. a little damn respect. I've been in such a mess lately. I'm quite confident (101%) that i'm not supposed to ruin my little coconut for something that i did not do intentionally. (Just sayin' .. sorry) It is kinda like what i said in the "about me" over there.. down there.. "Read at own risk".. Kasi you'll never know.. you might end up in my thoughts.. therefore be written here in my blog. Yes, i am quite angry lately.. bout things i'd rather keep to myself. ( Writing it here just makes no damn sense.. kasi it's a tool!) XD

Hmm.. change of topic PLEASE.

Me, Jiro and Justine.. my old time peeps back in eastwood are planning for some get together.. i miss my boys.. my weird weird non-alcoholic, gamer friends back in Concentrix. Waaaaa.. those were the times where i was quite uhhh.. thinner. hahahaa. Damn.. crossing fingers that its no pizza day.. been eating pizza for weeks now. I wanna puke 'em.

Hay.. i wanna say more. But i'd rather not. I do miss someone so horribly. I hate what is happening too. I have no one to say this things to.. that;s why i put it to writing.  And i don't give a damn.

Just have a little thing to say.. "quit playing games with my heart.." BSB is back baby!

tis the day of sorts.. kinda sleepy.. kinda weak at heart and mind.

Dubi has been trying his best to win me back.. i feel sorry kasi i can't give back. Hay.. its draining my brain.

My ex-crush, my ex and my friend are trying to impress too. Which i am so not in the mood to mind, life is already complicated enough  for me.. and i'm going to make it worse? Hell no.

Aun.. life sucks recently.. too many problems, but i'm holdin' on to my faith to that guy up there named Jesus.. kasi i know naman na in this time of trouble e hindi nya ko pababayaan. Un nga lang e lagi kong nasasabi na "Why must the good die young?" hahaha.. i crack myself up.

I know someday my life will be happy with the right guy for me. I just hope that God gives me enough courage and strength to carry on. I do pray for better days.. everyday i pray for that.. and everyday i realize that God is actually making me stronger too. Like a friend said, God ain't gonna give you this challenge if you can't overcome it.. which is quite true. Kasi nga i'm still holding on to my faith.

** sigh **

Wish ko tlaga pumayat!!! ay nakooooo! nyahaha..

Life without Dubi sucks. All problems started rising like shit now. Can't believe i did this mess on my own. 

" No.. i dont feel guilty.." That line keeps ringing in my head recently.

It seems that recently, me and my darlin' dubi are in a cold spell. I mean, yeah.. he's nice and all that shit but he sure does not know how to treat me good. He'll like.. hell, i want you back.. and when i am back to his arms.. he treats me like shit. I just don't want that kind of thing! Get what i mean?

I have been screwing myself lately, due to long wee hours of tv time and facebook.. but who cares. I decided that i want to live life the way io want to.. not because i screwed up at 17 means that i am just gonna shut up even if i want this kind of shit to stop diba?

I now i loved him.. but just got tired of it because i waited for years to see some passion.. some action.. some lovin'.. all i saw where lewd copies from a movie.. not the real deal.

Now? I am just taking my time to get used to this feeling. I love the freedom it brings. I miss that fucking feeling.. FUCK.

If all else fails.. love or no love.. I am happy that despite the drama i will think positively in finding the right guy for me.

I wanna be stronger dearie. fufufu...

Special things for special people. .




Been very busy lately, got no time to blog and stuff. Missing some people lately, dunno why. Just never got the chance to bond maybe? I don't know. Mind is just damn screwed lately. So screw my love life for it sucks like hell. T__T (don't want to elaborate)



Work has been great.. seeing two of the people i adore. Will not see the other one and cannot see the other. Tsk2.



Life has been good naman.. no worries about that. Atleast i have a picture.. to remember them by.. ahahah... ^__^



**Sigh** watta day ---♥

Im blogging at work and i am sooooo bored. The latest? working. No freakin SRs at the moment and im tired of going around Facebook. Gotta love this work though.. i am earning money for mostly slacking.. except the holidays of course. Enjoying all this crap but hey.. at least peetix diba?? XD

miss my old collegues.. love my new ones.. looking forward to a greater future.. hope this feeling lasts.

^__^"