The Kamote Daily Servings

It has been months since i last made a log here in my "online journal" , so here i go.

He was indeed a little boy at heart, starting out at 5 years old was pretty nasty if you ask me. Ever since then, MJ was under the microscope. I know that right now, he may be happy that he is "free", sad that he left so many troubling things behind, including his kids, fortune without any new legal will to hold it in. It is hard to know that he did make our lives happier and greater with his songs and yet after all that, once he got home a lonely MJ would emerge. I wished that he found someone ( a girl) who would love him as a human being, for him to feel loved and taken cared for, someone who would sweep him off of his feet and would NEVER divorce him. He lacked love from people who should have given it to him specially when he was younger. When i look at this picture now, i feel sad.. sad to see that this young boy who was so talented would end up in such a senseless way. If i was given the chance to be there and experience who he was, what it was like to be with him, then i may know now.

It is sad to see such havoc when MJ died. His will just came out stating that his mom or Diana Ross will be the one to gain custody of the children. I do wonder what is going on with the kids' mind. So tragic they had to lose their dad this way.

Just a few weeks from now, i will be back to making decisions int he house without trusty Manang by my side. It is pretty scary, because i don't know if i could handle such a responsibility.

It has been quite a while since i could have a time for myself. It has also been a long time since i was happy with the things i do. I still could not believe that i am a mother of this little kid and that she will be looking up to me someday.

It was just a simple day in June. Morgan was just an eager fetus in my womb. Who would have thought that little kicker would be a toddler at 2 years old? Ain't it just nice to see that she's all happy and singing all the time? Makes me wonder sometimes if working for the family is really worth it. I don't want her feeling all unwanted and stuff. I miss Manang. I really miss her company. She is one of the reasons why im not yet working. I only trust little Morgan to her, she has been there ever since Mong was a little fetus in my 3 month old womb. She was there at the hospital when i was giving birth to her as well. She was there when i would snap because of lack of sleep. And most of all, she was there for Morgan and the rest of us when Mom and Dad were in the U.S. , she took care of all of us. Specially Morgan, who needed some security when i was working. Ah.. those were the days. When will she be back. I really miss my 2nd mother..oh..3rd. *hehe*

"Money eats you alive, and you know you need it badly."

I have just mentioned going that i am going to apply, right? Well, that plan just got flushed down the drain. How i wish money grew on trees and that people can shit it. Ain't it enough to have other problems than this? It is hard for me at the moment to apply for work because no one can take care of Morgan.

Life as i know it is in ruins.

This day was a revelation, just like the day when Katrina found out about the real "sex video". I thought i have allies. People who would understand my point of view. But even the "king" is a traitor himself. I know myself quite well, so i know what things i should be far from. I am short tempered and i hate it when small fights turn big. The way they make a big deal over things that they won't even hesitate to ask me first. It was just sad to find out that even the closest to your heart won't even understand that you do things for the better of him. It all started when i was younger, people at home treat me like a wall flower. Always the youngest and i always don't understand the things that are happening at home. I was the only kid at home, everyone else was grown up and minding their own lives.I was often pushed far as being close to. So as a kid, crying was all i could do. As i age, things seem to be clearer, though foggy at times because they keep hiding things for me. I always feel left out of them, the things i enjoy? they won't even understand. I love being with my band..and who would have thought someone whom i thought was my reverie would become my worst nightmare. I do love him though,but it seems i still need more time to understand him. I don't understand why he won't try and do good things, when i make myself a bit better in any way i can. It is quite disturbing that he would rather spend time with his friends than spend time with you. My mother? Oh don't bother. She wouldn't give a damn even if i commit suicide this very moment.. All she see is the bad things, she rarely notices the good deeds i do. She nags..oh for the love of God. Even when i just did a tinsy winsy mistake, she would stomp her feet and throw things. I just don't understand that. And know, they just told me that it was my fault why everyone else (including me ) is in misery because Manang can't be here. DANG! It was like.."BOOM!", there goes my sany, my dignity and courage...fleeing like a scared cat. I know that some of the things i do seem very lazy, i don't really know why i am like that, but the fact that they treat you and TELL EVERYONE THEY KNOW about you being horse shit is just crap. The hell with that.

Do i look happy? Am i happy? Well in a way, i am.

I am a little itchy recently, but my itch is now healing beautifully. I am taking my newly developed patience to act, and so far so good, it keeps the stress in the low.
Family life is less stressful, im taking precautions now. We were planning to "bukod" ourselves from our big house. Mom stated earlier that she will be reconstructing the separate house to a 2 floor house. Atleast i will be able to practice being independent. For my birthday, mom and dad will not be here because of the "Arizona Rush" as i would like to call it. My friends, though we don't see each other often, we intend to keep each other updated. Meliza is doing her OJT at DZBF, Jhoiy is enjoying (sort-of) her preganancy days, Dada is enjoying (sort-of) her mom time.

So far so good, things look a little better. I hope it gradually takes off good.

Having Morgan in my life is something extraordinary. I thought life would be devasting if i will have her.  But then again, i was wrong. Though it is still worst, (you know who i mean) life is a bit more colorful having her around. It is like having a tamagochi, only far more real. I don't want her growing up to be too emotional like me, i want her to be as strong as her Dad. The only things that i want her to have is my "musical skills", my reading skills, my english skills and my "easy to understand" skills, my "clean" thing,maybe a little part of beauty from me. But the rest? i want her to take it from her dad. i love em both to death. i just hope i'll be happy in life for a long time. and i do hope i get to spend the rest of my life with somone who will respect and love me.

So far so good, love life has been fair to me. A little upset here and there but life is still good.

A few hours ago, i was catching my breath because of crying to darn hard. He left as usual,what is new about that. But then again, what was new with me? I was still the same "pity-me" girl. I guess i was to sorry for myself, and i can't help myself to improve on the parts that i lack on. I should have not given dubi a hard time, i should have just moved my butt from my seat to get it over it. I should have just kept my mouth shut, i know he is not the most patient guy in the world.

I feel fat. Not because i feel like it, people tell me that too. I look at myself at the mirror, i see this fat spot on my neck. *sheesh*, BIG FAT AREA at the belly. My arms and shoulders are WAAAAAAAAAY bigger than before. I don't want to be crazy thin, i just want to be fit. I want people to see me healthy with flat tummy and normal looking neck , arms and shoulders. Not that i don't feel normal with how i look now, but i don't like the bone aching, head aching things in my body. I need to eat right and less, do exercise and keep a healthier relationship with everyone in life.

With the "eat less and right", that is a big problem. I should start telling myself not to eat when im emotional. It is soooo wrong. Maybe better choice of foods and eating less rice than usual may help a bit.

With the "do exercise", its hard. I am usualy too tired of doing it. Biking is my favorite form of exercise. It is accesible. Unlike my other fave form of exercise that is waaaaay hard to have, swimming, because you need a pool for that. But alas, as if fate was against me, the bike got broken in some way. *shoot*. Im not a fan of walking, since the weather is hot and there is no good view of walking. With the Hip Hop abs? Too shy to do work out with people here. ^__^"

Bout the relationship shit. I feel bad sometimes. I hate nagging, it is tiring. I feel like im mom. *sheesh* But can i help it? When your partner is much worse than you? That you feel like its your responsibility to do stuff for the better of others' lives? Welcome to my world. Dubi does have a good side too. He is helpful and very generous. He is nice and sweet and very loving. But everyone has a bad side. He has short patience, and WILL hit if VERY pissed. But he is understanding (if he wants to). The thing i have to do? Be more understanding, be more patient and treat him nicer when im pissed.

For Morgan's expense, i love taking care of her. So i need a good peaceful mind so that i won't get pissed when she gets too active. I want her to be like her dad, and a little of myself which includes the reading thing, the smarts thing, and the singing thing, the rest she can have her dad's. hehe

I need to start understanding and loving myself before i start understanding and loving others.
In the next few years, i might start to study again. And hopefully start working and earning money for the welfare of my own little family.

It is still raining here at home, while Dubi on the other hand, had to go to Urdaneta for show shoots. I do miss the freakin' guy, even if he is a pain in the ass. It seems that i just can't let go of him that easy because i am already so attached to him. I do hate it when i nag him, it seems so wrong. But what can i do? i can't always be a saint for him, he has to learn.

Mom on the other hand is trying to send out some signals. Including the "i-am-going-to-send-you-to-school-soon" signal. She was asking a few days ago about a course that i would want to take up. (Masscom is still in my mind) People here are a little pissed, including me. I can't watch on the freakin' tv because it is broken. CRAP.

Back to dubi and the ponderings. Watching him go far away from me (physically) is so hard. It seems that either i feel like he has infidelity or i am just incomplete without him by my side. Though it sounds creepy and such, i don't mean that in an obssesive way. :)

I love cleaning. I don't know why, i think my co-workers and friends are right. I'm O.C.
Bones are ok now, they are not hurting like it used to. I guess having sex all the time ain't worth it after all. haha.

Manang is studying her A B C's, and it seems to help her too. Morgan is damn smart when it comes to copying words. I love her. Dubi got his "student license". And i borrowed the tv tuner at home. Oh god i miss him badly. I hope the show gets cancelled. HAHAHA

Mom is so freakin' irritating. She has no one to blame! All she sees is ME. Manang on the other hand is pissed off. Mom did NOT even see how much work she did for the house. All she did was tell everyone that we are all lousy at home and used tons of money for nonsense. This morning, i just broke down and cried. I have never felt so pissed in my entire life. It is not that i hate her, she is useful sometimes. BUT, she does treat me like crap. which saddens me. Everyone is planning to leave this hell hole. I hope i'll have the guts to do the same.

Ah yes, the pain are going away. I have decided to stop DMPA because it is causing bone density. On the other hand, my tooth is sprouted and pain is only minimal.
Dubi on the other hand has to do a lot of things because of the motor thing. He must start off with the "notario" to put his name on the motor itself. Then the driver's licence and ofcourse the "rehistro". After that he must do an overall check-up on his motor and then try to fix the damn problems and change the "tambucho" and the set up, and probably change the body as well.

For now this is what is planned. Just a few days more and mom and dad will be home again.

But tonight? Dubi is just a pain in the ass.

Ok, last night was scary. As i was about to finish my post for blogger, suddenly there was a black out. Thank God for auto saving. Anyway, it hot nowadays and head is hurting, tooth still aching and bones are probably starting to crack. We talked about stopping taking contraceptives for a while. Except for "emergencies" *teehee*

As for last night's dramarama, i cried at 2am because of horrid pain. I have to bite on a cotton bud for the entire night just to sleep thru the night.

Dubi on the other hand, is off to somewhere out there to help out his "hon", flubber there seems to forget about himself when he around bf!! And since he is sooooo distracted, some goon stole a hefty 2 thou from his pocket. Now, dubi has some "pashine" to do and save little ol' flubber and bf for them to go back home. Some person, i wonder if there is a catch. Anyway, it was nice of dubi to do that. But it is not his problem anymore right? It seems too off for me. For crying out loud, can't his bf do something than letting my hubby run around the city asking for money just to get them home?! That is really f*cked up. And to think that he only has 300+ left for his money. *SHEESH*

Dubi's plans for having a motor of his own is finally coming true. *glee*
Just a little scared because he is a newbie on this.
Manang on the other hand is trying her luck in selling ice candies. And i am busy taking care of little morgie here..(check the smile with the dimples)
These days i am just loathing around the summer heat and still don't have plans for summer swim.
Luckily, Dubi is finally taking a big turn in life. After realizing that he is indeed a graduate, he is finally feeling responsible for his actions and is starting to realize that he has us too.
As for the relationship status of ours, it seems that he is also making it better for the two of us. He told me lately that i must tell him to stop once he is starting to use his hands against me. I also should learn how to control my temper as well. Told him that he needs to set up a schedule so that he will not loath in front of the computer all day. And as for little Morgan, she is finally grown up to be a toddler and quite smart and bibbo at the same time. She can now understand a few things and she can brush her teeth now. *yay!*
As for me, i am better these days. Nothing seems to bother me, except for money that is. :)

But life is still the same, and hope that it stays that way.

The pain in my bones these past week has been killing me. Taking Alaksan Fr to relieve my body pain (if i cannot take it). As i have been checking the net for answers and i do found out that it affects bone density. No wonder no one uses it as long as 5 years. I drink lots of milk to supply enough calcium to my bones. I also eat a lot of veggies and tofu now. *smiles*

As for Dubi, he bought a motorcycle, looks spent though, paid 15 thou for it, needs a few repairs. We are staying home because he needs to register the motorcycle and pay for it. Practice too. Since his only work day is only Sundays.

As for the feelings.. we fought again. Like always, it ended in tears and slaps in the face. But this time, his mom had to interfere. Dubi is quite a person. He is very unpredictable. He starts something and ends up being the "pissed" one. And the nerve of the guy to slap me. That is why mama told us to seperate for a while, just to make sure if he would really want me as a wife. And probably to think things over by our own. *pfft*
He is treating me like shit. I am not proud of that but that is the truth. It seems that other things are important to him than taking care of me and Morgan. It feels so bad to see that he can leave me in an instant, without even thinking. Why are men like that? I know they are not the "feelings" people but how can they stand hurting physically and emotionally a person that they say they love? He can't even dare talk to me in a serious way. He can't look at me in the eyes and tell me what he thinks. I don't even know if he is just there because he has to be not because he wants to. I am not even married yet and this is killing me already. I hate it when he beats me up, he thinks i forget when he says sorry. But it keeps filling up. Why do men do this anyway. I don't understand. Is it because of the "i-am-the-authority-here-bitch" or because "i-just-feel-like-it". I have never felt so ashamed of someone. I can't even tell myself if i still love him the way i used to. He has changed a lot since Morgan came. It is just sad that my love for him is indeed starting to fade little by little. I don't even know how to tell him that, because he doesn't give a damn to what i have to say.* crap*

Using this computer at home has some risks, being blamed for its "destruction" is one of them, even if i use it with total care. So i was thinking, i can persuade my partner to buy a laptop instead of an oner or a psp, we can totally buy one at around 15 thou!But we have to at least have 30thou to buy a good working one. After that, we can probably buy a television for our room, and maybe buy a player as well, and if lucky we can buy a 2nd hand ps2.. *gleee*

Of course it can't be a laptop unless it has internet connection, right? a simple splitter for the dsl connector and *viola* internet!!!!!

hope this happens soon enough.

Ah, life must be really cool if you have followed your dreams of being someone, right? Come to think of it, life is surprising. Like your friend finally having someone to call her "own". ^__^
Your other friend having a little angel like yours! Another one in the making of an angel, and another friend that works.
Life these days are tough than ever. My beloved a.k.a. my dubilixus husband is having anger issues, what he does to me when i am talking about something important keeps me "stupefied". Morgan on the other hand, is quite charming and annoying in her own little way. Exercising these days are shit. I usually wake up at around 10 or 11 am, body seems to like sleeping a lot these days. (it happens)
So how am i suppose to give my body a burn and a brunch if my own eyes can't keep up in the am, right?
My own relationship with him nowadays is quite difficult. I really want to work things out with him, but it seems "S.F" is much sexier than me.
A few days ago, i was viewing the profiles of my friends in Friendster, and to think they matured in looks and stuff. Kinda envied them too, since they still get to enjoy their "single" lives while i loath myself at home. The worst part is seeing them all glam and sexy with flat tummies while i look in the mirror being disgusted by the way my tummy is formed now. Oh how i miss the "before-i-got-pregnant" days. Tummy used to be so flat, and the indication that it was flat is my "nunal" at the right lower side of my waist (which looks great when i wear jeans..i feel very sexy when it shows), and now? that "nunal" is bigger in size, still flat though but is now located at the upper hip bone. *sheesh*

To think that i have thoughts of infidelity when it comes to him because i don't feel that beautiful anymore, but is it really the basis of beauty? I think not. I want to improve myself in a way. I want to be more responsible in things, eat wiser, cook better, take care of Morgan better, and be a better wife. I am hoping to marry someday. I am contented with life, i dont want to see myself in a call center answering calls forever. I want to work in a company, be an editor or something that is in line of my work. I want to do the things i love, take care of the people i love as well. As Morgan grows every year, i am thinking of having an own place in the future, send her to good schools as well and have a very succesful life. As for now, i still have issues with myself, including my sleeping patterns that i have to end. I need to read more and learn more.

I need to be better in benefit of other people as well. I need to be in good terms with myself first before i start being better with other people, like my sister always say, take it one step at a time.
Ciao everyone, and thanks.

Ah..just checking my mail when i found out about "The Beatles: Rock Band" is coming out in 09-09-09 (sooo damn lucky eh?!) but the thing here is that its only available on X-box 360 and PS3..SO UNFAIR!! Not a big fan of playing games on our PS2 at SBV1 home but i do know how to..Oh man how would it look. Can't imagine how my love ( John) look like in 3d.. *sigh* as if he is alive and well. Any way, dubi just finished playing God of War II and well, "bitin" sya. As you can see, the 3rd part of God of War was released last March 3rd and that it is only available in PS3. Crapolla!!! Morgan has been pretty "game-y" these past few weeks. Maybe because of seeing her own father taking over olympus. (hehe). As of the moment though, i got Dubi to buy me a book. It's Mythology by Edith Hamilton. Oh don't ask why i suddenly took interest in Greek Mythology. ^____^

And to think i haven't got to the part about Cratos.. :)

Which makes me so intrested in Mythology is the fact that Gods and Goddeses can be sinful too..*sheesh* and that there is soo much to know. The only thing i hate about it is the hard pronounciation of their names. *crap* . But hey, i did found out that the names of the characters in "Ang babaeng hinugot sa aking tadyang" are from greek mythology. Proserfina or Proserphine in Mythology is the wife of the lord of the underworld Hades and Daughter of Demeter the Goddess of the Corn. *sigh* That is all i can say at the moment. I do hope i made something intersting. ^___^ Ciao!!

These past few days, all news was about this one man who was so damn unforgettable. I have to admit that i am not a fan but i am becoming one. The news last Friday shook me and made me quiet for a moment, me and my papa-in law were watching Eat Bulaga when all of the sudden there was this awkward and eerie announcement that Kiko's gone for good. The thing was, i thought he was just like 30 or something, turns out he was 44, haha..i did not even know he was that old coz he doesnt look like that, right?
Friends starting texting like crazy, and despite the low signal of globe at our Santa Barbara Villas 1 home, friends that are fans of Kiko were texting, confirming and grieving. The weekend came like hell, all GMA shows were about Kiko! But i love this freakin' song that all of em were crying about..it was "Keleidescope World" (forgive my spelling)..the adlib here reminds me of a beatle song "here,there and everywhere"..and the one that got me really crying was "Cold Summer Nights".. to think he left Pia and his 8 kids..THAT would be cold. But despite the loss, its actually a breather to think he is gone, because no longer is he gonna suffer that horrid cancer, no more pain, no more problems, no more financial blahs. And like he said to Max..he is gonna jam with his idols UP there.But it is really a loss, a very talented guy, a gullable one indeed. Rest in Peace Sir Kiko..we will surely miss you.